This will not be one of those posts I think fondly of. It's the first one that won't be happy/funny/normal. We had a bad night.
Ok, really, it wasn't a bad night. It was a bad moment. And I hope I never have one like that again.
I get now what people must be feeling when they lose it. I can't say I understand exactly why it happens. I'm sure the trigger is different in every situation. And maybe sometimes there isn't even a trigger.
I want to add here that nothing bad happened. Eliana is fine. I'm fine. No one was ever in any danger of being not fine. I never yelled or shook her or even held her too tight. She wouldn't sleep for more then 10 minutes. And it was 4 in the morning. I got frustrated and told her to shut up. I didn't yell it or anything. After I said it I felt bad. I put her down and took a minute to process.
This morning I didn't feel bad about it. I thought I'd feel guilty, but I don't. I think it's because I can't believe it was ME. It seems like that was some different person.
I wish Tony had been here. I'm grateful nothing bad did happen. I never thought I'd be capable of any kind of mean-ness towards my child. I'm glad Tony's on his way home. I'm glad I'll have someone to rely on when I get frustrated. I'm also glad I was alone with her. I'm glad she didn't sleep well and I'm glad I got to feel frustrated. I'm glad I know what it feels like to almost lose it. I'm glad I was able to prove to myself I can handle being alone with her.
We'll be ok now.
2 comments:
I think the lack of sleep gets the best of all of us at times. I know one morning Morgan was crying at 3am, and had been up every hour that night. I said, Morgan please...I was irritated and you could hear it in my voice. I was in no way going to harm her, but I was definetly irritated.
Don't worry, you aren't a bad mommy...just a tired, frustrated one! We have all been there!! = )
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad you got to experience this. You DEFINITELY can handle her own your own and you just proved it. Hopefully last night was better for all of you. Email me and let me know! On a side note, my child slept FIVE WHOLE HOURS! I can't believe it. Probably a fluke, though. :)
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