The 30 seconds that aged me 30 years

She was choking.

Eliana has been in a great mood all day. She's been smiling more, fussing less and pretty content to hang out and play by herself. It was time for a nap, so I laid her in her bassinet. She was quiet and happy. I couldn't stop staring at her. Normally when she's content to lay there, I would run and eat or pee (both of which I had to do at the time), but she just looked so cute I wanted to talk to her and make faces at her to get her to smile.

Then she choked. It happened so fast and I don't know what she choked on (spit-up, I assume). I picked her up and started yelling at her to breathe. I don't know how I got to the other side of the livingroom, but all of a sudden I was there. I hit her on the back. Nothing happened. She looked panicked. Like I wouldn't be able to help her. I hit her again. She let out half a cry and that was all. She was breathing and acted like nothing happened. I don't know if I was more relieved that she was ok, or freaked out that she almost wasn't.

I sat on the chair and held her tight and cried. I cried when I called Tony, cried when he came home, crying now. I know she's ok. I know this probably happens to alot of babies and I know that it might be worse in my mind than it should be because I'm her mother. But all I keep thinking is that she could have died. What if I had gone to the bathroom? What if I had gone to make something to eat? What if I hadn't been there when she made that barely audible choking sound? I keep playing it over and over in my head.

I didn't eat or pee until Tony got home. She's still in a great mood. Still smiling more and fussing less. I'm still scared to leave the room, but I know it's not practical to think I can stare at her for the rest of her life. I just thank God I didn't leave the room. And hope I'm always there when she needs me to be.

Nothing Better

I gave Eliana a bath. Tony dried, lotioned, diapered, and clothed her. Then I fed her while Tony read her a story. Now I'm sitting here listening to the monitor while Tony hums her to sleep. Life doesn't get any better than this. And now I think instead of playing with the internet, I'm going to snuggle with my family. Tomorrow I'll write more.

Feeding: Take 2

When Eliana was 4 weeks old, I decided it was time she had her very first bottle. I still wasn't quite sure about pumping, so we made a little 2oz bottle of formula. Tony gave it to her while I cried a little in the other room. (I didn't cry because it was formula. I cried because it was different.) She took it fine and Tony was happy (hence the lactating dreams) and I got over the new-ness of it all.

Then Tony went to Virginia. So she didn't get a bottle for almost a week. No big deal. When he got back he picked up the nightly 2oz bottle of formula (soy since she's a gassy girl). I never thought that 2oz would make such a big difference, but it did. My sweet, little, happy, sleeping through the night angel was NOT HAPPY. She was fussy and crying and by the time Tony got home from work I was ready to shoot myself. She still basically slept at night, but instead of 5-7 hours, it was 3 hours and then 4 hours and I know all you moms out there want to slap me but shut up it's my story. I was very used to her sleeping through the night. Change is hard. So bite me.

Anyway.

It didn't occur to me that it could be the tiny little 2oz bottle of formula. I just assumed it was some new baby phase. We decided to stop the formula so I could start pumping (still not going well, by the way, but will be buying a better pump this weekend). As soon as we went back to boob-only baby, it was amazing. She's happy. She sleeps (7 hours last night just so you know and you can totally want to slap me for that). The whole thing lasted about 3 days, but mommy-memory isn't reliable. 3 days can feel like 3 years and 3 years can go by in a minute.

So we're going to avoid formula for the time being. I'm not opposed to all formula, I'm opposed to THAT formula. And, also, afraid of it. I'm going to work on getting pumping figured out so Tony can give her a nightly bottle and hopefully all will be well. I'm so glad I have my smiley baby back. I missed her.

Squeaky Clean

We are much better today. Woke up smiling. Hooray. Also, Tony's working through lunch to come home early. He is awesome. Except at 4:30am. Don't even try talking to him then.

Eliana had her very first bath in a real tub last night. I expected what ever new mom expects (a screaming, kicking, purple-faced, pissed off baby). I did not get that. She fussed for 2 second as though she was saying "This is new, I don't like new". Then she was fine. I think she was just confused most of the time. By the time we were pretty much finished I think she decided she didn't like it. That's when the yelling, screaming, purple-faced-ness started.

Eliana: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (hatethissomuchgetmeoutofhere!!!)

Me: Ha! You're too late cuz we're done and that crying won't work on me! (sogladwe'redonethatwouldhavetotallyworkedonme)

And yeah, I blurred out her girly parts. But I don't want to get arrested for child porn or something. I think I watch too much TV.

Then we got her all dry and lotioned up with the clean diaper and clothes. I fed her and then Tony cuddled her and then zonk. She was OUT. Baths are my new best friends. She slept for 5 hours. I'll take it. Then she woke up, got changed, ate and slept for another 4 hours. Hooray!

And then she woke up smiling. Have I mentioned being a mommy kicks ass? It so does.

Bad night

This will not be one of those posts I think fondly of. It's the first one that won't be happy/funny/normal. We had a bad night.

Ok, really, it wasn't a bad night. It was a bad moment. And I hope I never have one like that again.

I get now what people must be feeling when they lose it. I can't say I understand exactly why it happens. I'm sure the trigger is different in every situation. And maybe sometimes there isn't even a trigger.

I want to add here that nothing bad happened. Eliana is fine. I'm fine. No one was ever in any danger of being not fine. I never yelled or shook her or even held her too tight. She wouldn't sleep for more then 10 minutes. And it was 4 in the morning. I got frustrated and told her to shut up. I didn't yell it or anything. After I said it I felt bad. I put her down and took a minute to process.

This morning I didn't feel bad about it. I thought I'd feel guilty, but I don't. I think it's because I can't believe it was ME. It seems like that was some different person.

I wish Tony had been here. I'm grateful nothing bad did happen. I never thought I'd be capable of any kind of mean-ness towards my child. I'm glad Tony's on his way home. I'm glad I'll have someone to rely on when I get frustrated. I'm also glad I was alone with her. I'm glad she didn't sleep well and I'm glad I got to feel frustrated. I'm glad I know what it feels like to almost lose it. I'm glad I was able to prove to myself I can handle being alone with her.

We'll be ok now.

Ahh to be 19 again...

Today is my birthday. I am 27. I went out to lunch with a friend and told the waiters/ess that I was 19. I'm sure they believed me.

I'd like to say that today is special and filled with presents and well-wishes and perhaps a party, but it's not. MyTony's in VA. I did get a balloon from the lunch friend. That's pretty much it. I'm ok though. It's Tuesday. Who has a party on a Tuesday?

I have big, important news. We've gone wireless!! Eliana's stupid, ugly, cockroach-looking cord FINALLY fell off last night. Of course MyTony missed it, but I put it in a zip-lock bag for him to see. No, I am not saving it. That's gross. And if you saved your kid's cord, then you're gross too. Cuz eww. MyTony will come home and look at it and then we can throw it away.

And bath time! I'm saving the first bath for when MyTony gets home. I don't think he should miss it and someone's gotta take pictures. I figure she lived 5 weeks without a bath, another couple of days won't hurt her. And then you all can have cute-nekkid baby pictures. But until then:

Virginia is so LUCKY

For those of you that don't know, MyTony's in the Navy. He has been for 6 years now (ok, almost 7 if you count that almost year of enlisted time in the beginning, but that was pre-me, so I don't count it.) (well, I count it since it makes the pay an itty-ish bit better). Anyway, we're on shore duty right now. It's our first one. It is awesome. No deployments, no missing the baby's birth and all the other day-to-day stuff. Love it.

But he had to go to a conference in Norfolk, VA. He left this morning. He'll be back on Thursday. Am sad. This is the first time I will be alone with the baby for more than just a normal work day (which is not even 8 hours cuz shore duty kicks ass). I'm really not worried about the 4 days he'll be gone. It's the 3 nights that terrify me. Eliana, like most babies, is fussy at night. It saves my sanity to hand her off to MyTony for a few minutes to compose myself. Even if I don't do it, I like having the option. My option is on a plane right now. Dammit.

Also, I don't sleep so good when he's not here. It was never a big thing before since I could stay up all night and sleep all day, but now there is baby. We don't have a strict schedule or anything, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work out or even be a good idea to change it all up this time. I'll have to suffer through. Hopefully I'll be so tired from whatever it is I do that I'll be able to fall asleep at night like normal people. Please please.

Now for scrunchy baby-ness. I ordered some Babylegs. Got them in the mail today. I seriously wanted to wake Eliana up just to put them on her, but I didn't. (I value the quiet so much more than I did pre-parenthood.) I even changed her diaper and fed her before putting them on her. It's all about priorities. Here ya go. Have a cute-fix you baby addicts.

Bugs and Poop

I have a couple things to blog about. One is pretty easy to believe because everyone knows someone it happened to. The other is just plain weird. And both are true. Feel free to laugh, as it's one of my goals.

MyTony and I had a few errands (shopping) to do on Saturday. As we were walking into the mall, I got slapped. On the cheek. By a huge ass bug. It had to have been at least the size of a golfball. Maybe a baseball. It hit me so hard my earring fell off. Not a clip on. I lost the back to it. And my sunglasses fell off. And it hurt like a son-of-a-monkey. I had to make MyTony check to see if I was bleeding or bruised. I wasn't. But it felt like I should have been. Sentence fragments rock. Just so you know.

I was having a nice mother-daughter moment with the smooshy baby this afternoon. She was sitting on my lap all cute like. I heard her poop. Not a big thing since she's a baby and that's what they do. And this girl is good at it. Long and loud and gross. I waited a few minutes to make sure she was done. I laid her on the changing pad (on the coffee table right in front of me so I don't have to get up am lazy) when I felt something wet on my arm. Poop. On me. Also on her dress. MyTony got a new outfit for her. I looked down and poop. On my tank top (boob area). Felt cold on my thigh. Looked down and poop. On the bottom of my tank top going through it and my pants to my thigh. Gross. Not as gross as if it were someone else's kid, but still. I stripped down in the livingroom, finished changing her and took a shower.

Being a mom is so cool. And nasty. Fun stuff.

I missed a day

So, for those of you paying attention, we were supposed to have bad weather. MyTony didn't even have to go to work. So that's why I missed a day. An unexpected bonus family day in the middle of the week! Shock! So we did errands because we are so cool like that. Lots of errands. Like all day with the baby. (Who, btw, is 1 month old today!! As opposed to the 4 weeks old she was 2 days ago and yes, there is a difference) And it went great! She cried maybe twice just long enough to let me know it was time to eat. And as long as we left whever we were IMMEDIATELY everything was fine. I did have to explain to MyTony 3 times what IMMEDIATELY meant. He thinks babies should be patient and understanding that he must finish looking through the clearance bin at the bookstore for the book he won't even read for at least 2 months. (That may have been the longest sentence ever) Umm...what was I talking about? Right, baby, got it. We changed her in bathrooms and the back of the car (ok, SUV, so lots of changing room) and fed her wherever we were. I have no problem breastfeeding in public as long as I'm not in the middle of everything and MyTony holds the blanket so no one can see until I get her latched on cuz I don't need all of Walmart staring at my boob. The baby slept all day long. Quietly. I'm telling you, people were jealous. She kicks ass so much.

I was at Target looking for burp cloths and this woman stopped to admire the squishiness of Eliana. I, of course, had to gush over her 4 month old little girl (who was so cute, btw and SMILED!..Can't wait till mine does that more often).

I'm good with gushing over other people's babies. I think I'm pretty convincing even if I don't mean it (but this time I totally meant it cuz SO CUTE). And I'm pretty good about accepting the whole "look how cute and tiny your baby is blah blah blah". It doesn't even bother me when they ask if it's a boy or a girl. I don't blame them since I have a habit of only putting the pink stuff on her at home and saving the yellow and green when we take her out in public. I like to confuse people, and what's more fun than the gender-guessing game? And they always think she's a boy. What's up with that?

Anyways, so this woman is talking to me about baby stuff and sleeping through the night, blah blah blah...you know, normal new mommy things. And it's nice. She gets it. Only, not, since she's a single mom and I have a MyTony who helps so so much. So she's got it 100 times harder than me. And also, my baby sleeps through the night (mostly) and hers at 4 months old still doesn't. I'm way lucky and I know it. So we're talking and MyTony's getting bored, so I'm trying to figure out a graceful way to end the conversation. I am not good at this. I tend to just find some shiny toy and say "Ooh pretty!" and walk away. I really shouldn't be allowed to talk to people. This is why I have so few friends. What I really hate is that I could totally have hung out with this woman. We could have meshed. I could have made my first mom friend that I didn't know before I was a mom. But I am a social screw-up. Bah.

The End.

Rocket Man

We have reached a growth spurt. I think. I don't really know since I'm still new and so half of what I sound so sure of is just made up in my own head. But she eat ALL THE TIME and only sleeps for 5 minutes (yes, I'm exaggerating because if I told you the truth you'd tell me to shut up and be grateful and I AM so bite me I'm tired) at a time. I've been trying to compile a list called "Crap that makes the baby go to sleep so mommy can have a damn minute to pee". So far it's a short, but useful, list. Here it is.

1. Boob sedative
2. Laying on my chest and drooling
3. Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" played really really loud while swaying in the desk chair and singing in her ear.

The only sure thing is #3. It may not keep her sleeping for long, but as soon as he starts singing, she's quiet and by the end of the song, she's out. I love him. Shall buy him flowers. Shall.

Did I mention 4 weeks?

You're not supposed to able to do this yet. You're too little and itty and young. This makes me very very happy and very very sad all at once. Also, good lord you're adorable and I would like to munch on your cheeks.

OMG 4 weeks NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

She can not be 4 weeks old already! It's impossible. And do you know what this child did to commemorate 4 weeks? She spit up on my shirt, pooped on me, then looked me in the eye and smiled the biggest, gummiest smile ever. I love being a mom.

Here's the stupid crappy part. The child is 4 weeks old and she still has her cord. It will not fall off. The doc said the put alcohol on it 2-3 times a day. In the beginning, we never remembered. But we do now and still it is there every day, looking like a gross cockroach on my pretty baby's tummy. Yes I know it'll fall off when it's ready, but I'M ready now. I want to give her a real tub bath and take naked baby pictures to blackmail her with when she's 16. Every parent gets to do that and I wanna. So here it is, the thing that makes me different from everyone else: The Cord That Wouldn't Die

Everyday?

Alright Coty..here's a blog. And holy crap I'm supposed to come up with something half-way interesting every day?? That's nuts.

So it's Sunday. The biggest thing about Sunday that's different from every other day is breakfast. I make an actual breakfast on Sundays. One that requires cooking. On the stove. I make a decent breakfast and I make it even better when Eliana sleeps long enough to let me finish. And she did. And it was yummy. Makes Tony remember why he stays married to me. I keep him fed. Most of the time. Ok, only on Sundays.

Eliana has HATED her swing since the first day we put her in it. I figured it over stimulated her since like a brilliant mommy I turned on the lights, music, and made it go as fast as possible that first day. Am smart. I tried again a week later and she still hated it. I tried again a few days ago and she still hated it. Ok, that last time I waited until she was hungry and had a dirty diaper to try cuz I figured that would be the best time since she was awake and did I mention I am SO SMART??? Anyway, the point: We tried again today. She was fed and clean and awake and she didn't hate it!! I turned the speed on low and only the lights on at first. She wasn't all smily and giggly (3 and a half weeks old, hello?), but whatever. She didn't cry. That's all that's required. It was a good day. Also, for those of you wondering, she slept 6 hours straight last night. My baby kicks ass.

I broke the sleeping

Eliana is usually awesome at the sleep thing. No kidding. Be jealous. She has pretty much slept through the night since she was born. But last night the sleeping broke. Down at 12:15am (yes, we are night people), up at 2:30, then 4:30, then 5:30, then I don't know cuz after that my head exploded.

Here's what I'm thinkin'. Yesterday Tony decided we should take Eliana to his office to show her off. It was a Friday, so they're not really busy and other than a 10 minute meeting, there was nothing pressing going on. So we go do all that (of course she's a big hit cuz she is adorable and scrunchy) and decide that since it's a weekday and Tony's off early, we'll make it an errand day. It was great getting out and feeling productive and Eliana slept. I mean she SLEPT. All day long. Slept.

I was always told that if a baby sleeps good during the day, they'll sleep good at night. I don't remember who told me that, but they lied. She did not sleep good. Maybe because at night she does not sleep in her carseat while riding down the road, but is confined to her Pack-N-Play. And today she didn't nap well again. I have no idea if this means I get sleep tonight or not. Honestly, I rarely know what anything means from day to day.

I do know that this is Eliana 5 minutes ago:

And this is her now:

Catching you up

I've wanted to make an actual blog for a while (I've been using my Myspace), just needed to come up with a name for it. So last night, I was dreaming about Eliana and how so cute and squishy she is and it hit me. She is step-on-a-bug-cute. That's a lot of cute. And since I'm sure this will be mostly a Mommy Blog, there ya go. I'll do more of an intro to me and my family crap next time, for now have some squish.