9.11.2007

The 30 seconds that aged me 30 years

She was choking.

Eliana has been in a great mood all day. She's been smiling more, fussing less and pretty content to hang out and play by herself. It was time for a nap, so I laid her in her bassinet. She was quiet and happy. I couldn't stop staring at her. Normally when she's content to lay there, I would run and eat or pee (both of which I had to do at the time), but she just looked so cute I wanted to talk to her and make faces at her to get her to smile.

Then she choked. It happened so fast and I don't know what she choked on (spit-up, I assume). I picked her up and started yelling at her to breathe. I don't know how I got to the other side of the livingroom, but all of a sudden I was there. I hit her on the back. Nothing happened. She looked panicked. Like I wouldn't be able to help her. I hit her again. She let out half a cry and that was all. She was breathing and acted like nothing happened. I don't know if I was more relieved that she was ok, or freaked out that she almost wasn't.

I sat on the chair and held her tight and cried. I cried when I called Tony, cried when he came home, crying now. I know she's ok. I know this probably happens to alot of babies and I know that it might be worse in my mind than it should be because I'm her mother. But all I keep thinking is that she could have died. What if I had gone to the bathroom? What if I had gone to make something to eat? What if I hadn't been there when she made that barely audible choking sound? I keep playing it over and over in my head.

I didn't eat or pee until Tony got home. She's still in a great mood. Still smiling more and fussing less. I'm still scared to leave the room, but I know it's not practical to think I can stare at her for the rest of her life. I just thank God I didn't leave the room. And hope I'm always there when she needs me to be.

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